The main problem about having nothing to do is that very often you just end up doing nothing. So… I’m done school. Summer’s gone or going fast. I’m not going back to school. I’m, “taking a year off to work.” I’d rather be “taking a year off to travel Europe.” I don’t actually have a job yet. Perhaps it is how I look. I’m pale with black hair right now.

Summer was fun. I did make an effort to go outside some. Make friends with the sun some as a friend of mine suggested. I wanted to go to Europe, my mom wanted me to work. My dad ended up giving me extra money and telling me to stay out of the house more. I spent much more of my time in Downtown Vancouver rather than in Burblands. I spent a good number of evening bluffing my way into clubs (I’m still technically underage here). I don’t ever drink that much anyway, and thankfully I can handle my booze SLIGHTLY better than Paris Hilton. I don’t really have any friends now out of high school but I’ve made sort of friends at a club I go to. I also spent a good amount of time reading comics at the Vancouver Public Library. It’s a cool place, built to look like the coliseum.

Now that I’m done school and summer, I’m hoping that I’ll put more time into updating this blog. I have some things to write about.

School’s out forEVER!

I’m done, I’m done, I’m done.

I don’t know if I passed yet (i passed) but I am done. I will never take classes at that school again. hell I don’t know if I’ll ever take classes again. It is summer the sun is everywhere and I’ve got two months with a solid block of NOTHING to do.

Now I’m thinking the Europe trip is a no go but… Hell I’m done and free!

I'm having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I am now 18 (my birthday was the fourteenth).

I'm not sure what to make of the fact that I am graduating. I'm sitting on the hedge on the border between two states and I'm scared I guess. This must be fear. Or something like it. I don't have the choice to stay like I was. Well I guess I could purposely fail exams. But then I would still be eighteen. I would still be facing the future.

In many ways this last term of school has been… oh god, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Cliched as fcuk.

I went away for christmas vacation to Mexico with my parents, a pale pink haired goth girl. An Unpopular lonely pale pink haired goth girl freak. I came back a tanned blonde girl. I suddenly got more popular. I've got to say that was fun. Got got got Mein Gott that was fun. But… Well, I sort of had a relapse. I had a bit of a breakdown and entered into a real deep depressive state, leading into Christmas. When I came back as basically a different person it lead to well, my psychological issues surfacing a bit.

Which means my parents took me to doctors. I got told that I was schizo, I got told I was bipolar. I settled on the doctor that only said depressed. I only took meds for about a month. I'm still collecting them. Maybe I can sell them and claim they are e like in the movie Go.

I think I'm a stronger person now. I think maybe I've grown. I don't think I like being too popular with boys (it gets old fast). I just don't know if I am ready to face the abyss and step off like a f00l. Oh well, at least I have the summer to figure that one out.

Maybe I can convince my parents that I need to backpack europe?

Originally posted: Fri, Jul. 29th, 2005 05:36

I'm tired of that last entry. I don't like that temper tantrum, I don't want you to think that's all I am. Instead I am going to tell you a story. The story of why I had my little breakdown.

When you were a kid did you have an invisible friend? I did. Lots of only-childs do.
Did anyone of you still have one at ten? at fourteen?
Yeah.

Now of course I stopped telling people this a long time ago. All telling people does is get you in counselling. The last people I told anything about this were at Barbelith. Nice folks there. Some of them. About the only person I really made a connection with there was fenris23. However, smart smart folks when it comes to magicky things.

Somewhere along the line I discovered/decided that the thing in my head was not me or not made by me. I started to feel that this thing was parasitical. I did various investigations. Meditations, Astral Journeying, tarot spreads, and so on. Some day I might tell you about him/it. I am not saying his/its name for fear of giving it strength. You see after my investigations I decided to kill it. Not exactly easy. Conflict and aggression fit you into a tarbaby game. The more you try to struggle the more you are tied together. Plus I didn't know how to define myself with out him. Me was me because he was he and we were we.

It was a discussion there that I found my solution. Merge. Fuck the tarbaby, literally. So there was a confrontation I gathered my magickal mojo so we were on more or less equal footing and boom We annihilated each other and I am what is left over. what was reborn. I am me but not quite the same me that I was.

So how I had my nervous breakdown. I was back on Barbelith. It has been a long while. I was there more or less because fenris23 asked me to be. I see this thread called "why did you start magick" or something. I go to post. I started magick because I was born with someone in my head with me. I have this horrible feeling that now everyone will think I am crazy and hate me. I realize that this shit is why I have no friends at school or even much of a relationship with anyone. I realize that I am alone. This starts me crying.

Then I realize that I am really alone. The thing that lived in my head isn't there anymore. I killed my only friend. Crying psychosis time.

I feel better now.
Sometimes what you really need is a good sleep.
As long as you wake up the next morning.