I'm having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I am now 18 (my birthday was the fourteenth).

I'm not sure what to make of the fact that I am graduating. I'm sitting on the hedge on the border between two states and I'm scared I guess. This must be fear. Or something like it. I don't have the choice to stay like I was. Well I guess I could purposely fail exams. But then I would still be eighteen. I would still be facing the future.

In many ways this last term of school has been… oh god, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Cliched as fcuk.

I went away for christmas vacation to Mexico with my parents, a pale pink haired goth girl. An Unpopular lonely pale pink haired goth girl freak. I came back a tanned blonde girl. I suddenly got more popular. I've got to say that was fun. Got got got Mein Gott that was fun. But… Well, I sort of had a relapse. I had a bit of a breakdown and entered into a real deep depressive state, leading into Christmas. When I came back as basically a different person it lead to well, my psychological issues surfacing a bit.

Which means my parents took me to doctors. I got told that I was schizo, I got told I was bipolar. I settled on the doctor that only said depressed. I only took meds for about a month. I'm still collecting them. Maybe I can sell them and claim they are e like in the movie Go.

I think I'm a stronger person now. I think maybe I've grown. I don't think I like being too popular with boys (it gets old fast). I just don't know if I am ready to face the abyss and step off like a f00l. Oh well, at least I have the summer to figure that one out.

Maybe I can convince my parents that I need to backpack europe?

Originally posted: July 9th, 2005 04:59 am
I don't normally go all emo but it's late and I am feeling it right now.

Most people who know me think I am crazy. Most of them are right. I have no friends and I am alone. I've never been alone before. I don't know how to do this. Being into magick doesn't exactly make you popular with most people. Most people don't seem to look past the surface of things and then hold it against anyone who is different. And I am different. God I feel fucked up. I was just writing a post on an internet bbs thing and BOOM I start crying. I realized that what I was saying was going to make everyone think I am crazy and then once again I am alone. I mean even other Occultists think I am crazy. They think I am weird and now they think I am depressed, right? now I am weird and sad and alone and you don't like me any more.

Sorry.

I'll stop now.
and go to bed.