Originally posted: Fri, Jul. 29th, 2005 05:36

I'm tired of that last entry. I don't like that temper tantrum, I don't want you to think that's all I am. Instead I am going to tell you a story. The story of why I had my little breakdown.

When you were a kid did you have an invisible friend? I did. Lots of only-childs do.
Did anyone of you still have one at ten? at fourteen?
Yeah.

Now of course I stopped telling people this a long time ago. All telling people does is get you in counselling. The last people I told anything about this were at Barbelith. Nice folks there. Some of them. About the only person I really made a connection with there was fenris23. However, smart smart folks when it comes to magicky things.

Somewhere along the line I discovered/decided that the thing in my head was not me or not made by me. I started to feel that this thing was parasitical. I did various investigations. Meditations, Astral Journeying, tarot spreads, and so on. Some day I might tell you about him/it. I am not saying his/its name for fear of giving it strength. You see after my investigations I decided to kill it. Not exactly easy. Conflict and aggression fit you into a tarbaby game. The more you try to struggle the more you are tied together. Plus I didn't know how to define myself with out him. Me was me because he was he and we were we.

It was a discussion there that I found my solution. Merge. Fuck the tarbaby, literally. So there was a confrontation I gathered my magickal mojo so we were on more or less equal footing and boom We annihilated each other and I am what is left over. what was reborn. I am me but not quite the same me that I was.

So how I had my nervous breakdown. I was back on Barbelith. It has been a long while. I was there more or less because fenris23 asked me to be. I see this thread called "why did you start magick" or something. I go to post. I started magick because I was born with someone in my head with me. I have this horrible feeling that now everyone will think I am crazy and hate me. I realize that this shit is why I have no friends at school or even much of a relationship with anyone. I realize that I am alone. This starts me crying.

Then I realize that I am really alone. The thing that lived in my head isn't there anymore. I killed my only friend. Crying psychosis time.

I feel better now.
Sometimes what you really need is a good sleep.
As long as you wake up the next morning.