Most graffiti is the territorial excretions of rival packs. Marking boundaries. You can work with those and the fields of domination and aggression, feudal reality in miniature. Some graffiti sends messages and tells stories; let's you know how the subculture and black market moves. Walking streets they had never seen before a normal person would be worried, would be lost. I was finding my way by following spray painted signs. The drift was an altered state of consciousness. What mattered to the normal world was ignored and what was peripheral was key. I navigated by the territorial tags and was tracking the informational glyphs.

In the liminal state of the drift I could feel the difference, the flavours, of the territories. Meanings and senses flow together into new constellations. I walked the same streets as everyone else but on a different level. I experienced a different layer. The graffiti could be dated like an archaeologist unearthing pottery shards of Troy. How deep is it, was this fragment made before or after which technique? The paint, pen, and stickers marked a language of shape and colour that told tales of sex, commerce, and violence. Like hieroglyphics in Ancient Egypt, the greatest worry is that your name will be effaced.

I was timid I made my signs in chalk. A little Gretel leaving breadcrumbs to mark my path, at least I would know if I doubled back or went in a circle. I was stalking other people's signs. There was someone telling a story with silver metallic sharpie that I just had to get to the end of. Whoever it was understood the fields and was turning them to his advantage. This person was cultivating the energy to make some sort of deal with the streets themselves.

The sliver graffiti always had some elements in common and yet each find was unique. There was a central sign that was always the same, a glyph constructed of straight lines and angles without any curves. I figured it was the author's name and that it was probably a bind rune like a viking might use. Around this and the other main sign were smaller symbols some of which I recognized as astrological signs and others that were likely runes.

The other main symbol shifted from location to location. It changed, evolved, over time. I decided this must symbolize the streets themselves or the deal the author was negotiating with them. I was pretty sure that the negotiations were coming to a close. The earlier versions were rounded with loops and crossings that indicated it had been constructed with the alphabetic technique for making sigils. The artist would have taken a statement or a name and removed repeated letters and then made a shape by fitting the letters together. Renditions from the middle of the negotiations showed signs of having absorbed astrological symbols and runes that surrounded it. The newest forms were pared down and starting to show a real simplicity. The final version would be the true name of the city as told to the artist.

There was power here.

I'm one of the shipwrecked members of the loudwire blogging service. They just up and closed down on us marooning us in the middle of no where. No warnings or anything. Fuckers!

In other news, Thank you Fenris23 for helping me salvage my blog. Anything earlier than this post was on the old blog.

Originally posted: Wed, Oct. 26th, 2005 23:19

I sat in my room at home on my purple beanbag chair and went through a progressive relaxation exercise I use before a deeper meditation. I touched the tip my left hand ring finger with thumb in a mudra that I had programmed to bring me down into what the Silva method calls Theta waves. Although science has theta waves I have never independently verified that they are the same state that I label theta waves.

My breathing seemed to slow and my eyes naturally drifted closed. I was trying to go to the astral plane which is what I was calling turning within. I pushed or relaxed my awareness into me down into my body. It felt like had fallen out of my head down my torso and through a hole in the pit of my stomach. I felt through an infinite blackness. After a while, I realized I wasn't really falling I was in freefall, zero gravity. I regained my equilibrium and there was an up and a down. When I looked down there was some kind of rocky, dusty, ground although it was too dark to really sees it. When I looked up there were stars. I was on the darkside of the moon. (I didn't know if it was literal or figurative but it didn't feel like exteriorizing so I assumed figurative.) I didn't really feel gravity but I did seem to stick to the ground.

I wasn't just there for sight seeing though. I had twin purposes on this journey. I was experimenting to see if I could get a Lwa-Aesir to come without geting possessed. I was also journeying to find out my Met Tet. Met Tet is a french patois word that roughly translates to master of the head. That lwa is your lwa the one who will ride you most often and you form the closest relationship with.

So I was standing alone in the beautiful black desert of the darkside of the moon. For whatever reason I was certain that's what this was but I had no other expectations. I waited for something to happen. Nothing did. It was almost as if it was waiting expectantly for me. So I proceeded with my experiment. I extended my finger in front of me and traced out loki – elegbarra's veve while reciting the literally I had made for him's "Loki Elegbarra qui quarde la porte…" The veve appeared as I drew it traced in silver fire. I paused expectantly for Exu Loki to appear but there was nothing. The veve was duller now it wasn't on fire any more and seemed almost wrinkled. I reached out to it and realized that it was on a black velvet like fabric a curtain inscribed with a silver veve. I stepped forward and pushed through to elsewhere.

I was in a weird small town that looked the way Anne Rice described places around the New Orleans. Ancient Buildings, a crossroads, a graveyard, a cafe and creeping vine everywhere. There was even a cathedralish church. It is pretty clear to me that my experience was being filtered through my expectations. The overall layout of the town fit the more or less classic crucifix proportions with the end after the road shorter than the end before it. On the right hand side of the small end was the church, while on the left side was the graveyard. Off to the left was wild swamp and to the right was tilled land. It seemed to be a few minutes before sundown on the right side but a few minutes after sundown when I was looking to the left. All it was though was scenery; there didn't seem to be any life to it.

I walked from the end of the street towards the crossroads, passing mansions and strange little shops. When I got to the crossroads I remembered one thing I should do before leaving. I needed to give offering to Exu Loki whose veve I had used back on the darkside of the moon. Unfortunately I didn't seem to have anything with me to give. The only thing I could think of was the sort of reiki rub my hands together and then point the palms to give of my energy. I didn't that and suddenly I held in my hands a warm fresh loaf of some kind of bread. I breathed in deeply to smell the aroma. It was banana bread.

"Thanks, that will hit the spot," a male voice said.

I spun around to see where it came from and there was a figure seated casually, grinning at me from the patio area of the cafe. I find if very hard to describe this figure. It was Exu-Loki-Elegbarra. He was a sleek young white black haired grizzled white haired black man. He was wearing an old fashioned formal black suit, almost like an undertaker's but he was wearing it loose the tie, top buttons and cuffs all undone. Either across or leaning against his legs he had a gnarled black cane that seemed to be a snake. The things that stood out to me the most were his gleaming almost flaming eyes, his teeth and mouth, and the way he moved his hands. I remember moving like that when he rode me. He was one of those uh people that you would call a character or even a card. My grandma would have called him a card. He reminded me of my grandpa, still youthful and mischievous despite his age. I got the feeling that everything about him would piss off the other Lwa-Aesir.

We chatted about nothing for a little while and he gave me a coffee. He ate the banana bread. That was… odd. He never exactly seemed to move. I always noticed or saw him just as/after he finished some discrete step. He was holding the loaf in both hands as if to tear off a chunk, then he was holding a perfect slice in his hand then he had just taken his first bite then his second then the third then he had just taken his last, his finger just touching his teeth.

After he was done the loaf and I was done the coffee I asked him what buildings I should check out and he replied that it depended on what I was here to do. I told him I wanted to meet my Met Tet. He laughed, said something about me being impatient, and then he explained that all I had to do was walk through the doors into the cafe proper and whoever was waiting there was my Met Tet. He then gestured for me to get up and walk through.

Inside the cafe was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She was maybe a head taller than I was then, dressed in this pink whale boney corsetty type dress that showed a lot of breast over the top. I swear that her hair was black or dark brown the first time I saw her but ever after it has been blonde. Her skin was the beautiful cafe au lait colour.

Then I noticed in the corner among the shadows sat HIM. He was this old gnarled man with one glaring eye and something dark covering the other one. He was dressed in this big black coat with this flattish brimmed hat. He looked like a shootist from the old west as he sat with a big bottle and glass of Rum or Whisky on the table in front of him.

"Two of them?" I heard Exu Loki say from outside, "that's interesting. Pick one, you can only go with one at a time." (not strictly speaking true as I discovered later)

He was old mean and scary and she was PRETTY! I went with her, Ezrulie Freya. Don't hold it against me, I was only thirteen. Then I have vague memories of going shopping and gossiping about boys. She seemed to be almost my age after I chose her.

Originally posted: Mon, Sep. 26th, 2005 19:28

This came out of a conversation I had with fenris23 years ago about how because of voudou's extreme synchretism it was virtually identical, pantheon structure wise, as the norse gods. Further the magickal system Seidr seemed very likely to involve drumming or other shamanic practice and possesion. Prior to this point my magick was all Golden Dawn and Crowly with a heavy concentration on evokation practice. A voudou asatru mix sounded way cooler to me at the time.

First part of the "system" was to establish if the correspondences between systems or pantheons fit.

Odin – Papa Gede
Loki – Papa Legba
Thor – Chango
Tyr – Ogun
Freya – Ezrulie Freda

The idea was just to get the underlying archetypes lined up but I found the names a personalities similar enough to suprise me.

Odin and Gede are both sex death magik kind of guys both only have, or show, one eye. Both are associated with crows.

Loki and Legba, both are magik trixter crossroads guys associated with fire and to a lesser degree serpents. This match was a little harder but the modern voudou Legba evolved out of the younger african god Exu Eleggbarra. I choose to think of Legba as Loki after he was punished with the snake, making him much more Promethean.

I'm going to skip Xango/Thor and Ogou/Tyr for now as I don't work with them much.

Freya on the other hand…

Freya and Ezrulie are a very good match. Love/sex both unmarried. The fact that one of the more common second names of Ezrulie is Freda I find perfect.

The next step, of course, was contact. I tried the western mystery tradition methods that I knew with no results. A new system required new methods. Or really old ones.

* * *

So like I was saying I needed new methods if I was going to have success with voudou asatru. Golden Dawn evokation was beneath the dignity of these beings and invokation was too abstract and detached. I began a little mild research into ancient norse practices of Seidr and into the practice of North American Voudou. There was very little written about Seidr so I was forced to concentrate on the voudou practices.

Problems became apparent quickly. Voudou religious practices were designed for a fair sized congregation. It needed a priestess/priest, altars, veves, offerings, drummers, drums, dancers, a peristyle and so on. This was incompatable with me. I was a solo practitioner with no resources. I was a very solo practitioner.

If I had studied voudou sorcerors instead of priests everything might have developed differently but oh well.

I isolated the main parts that I needed were the three roles as priestess, drummer and dancer/host. I couldn't hire drummers or buy drums but I did have a bit of a CD budget.

The next weekend I went down to the old broadway location of Banyan books to check out their CD selection. BAnyan books is the Vancouver New Age/Alternative religion bookstore. It is and was quite large. I believe at this point the small collection of international CDs was quite new. That trip I only found one CD I could use. Traditional African drumming for Exu. Exu as I said was a precursor form of Legba.

I got the CD home and listened to it. I had no idea what to do with this.

* * *

So I was stuck with a CD I barely understood as music and no idea how to use it for magick. I spent about three days straight listening to it. Nothing happened on its own. I decided I needed some kind of ritual. I had the right dosage (I assumed), I just needed to mess with set and setting.

Obviously I needed to dnace to the drumming but I couldn't get into it enough to let go. Plus I still needed to perform the priestess functions as well. I mapped out a little ritual involving litanies in french and veve drawing.

Now at the time I was quire into triphop music like massive attack and portishead (my first forays outside of classical and jazz). All of the music featured remixing and sampling heavily. I decided to give it a try. Using my dad's computer I put together a track of instrumental clips over the drumming. Now to your ears this track would sound awful, the most sophisticated effect I managed was matching the tempo of the samples to the drumming, but I could listen to it and I could dance to it.

Now I had my set I just needed my setting. My bedroom wasn't going to cut it. Nah lets skip this part. Lets just say I found a freespace large enough for my altar and dancing.

That's about it. For the first experiment. I made contact with Exu Loki. It was different than I expected and there were a lot of glitches to work out. I've since gotten way more into the remix side of things and I discovered my Mes Tet.

This writing stuff is harder than I thought. This has taken me something like a week to write. (And something like month to get around to posting)

Originally posted: Fri, Jul. 29th, 2005 05:36

I'm tired of that last entry. I don't like that temper tantrum, I don't want you to think that's all I am. Instead I am going to tell you a story. The story of why I had my little breakdown.

When you were a kid did you have an invisible friend? I did. Lots of only-childs do.
Did anyone of you still have one at ten? at fourteen?
Yeah.

Now of course I stopped telling people this a long time ago. All telling people does is get you in counselling. The last people I told anything about this were at Barbelith. Nice folks there. Some of them. About the only person I really made a connection with there was fenris23. However, smart smart folks when it comes to magicky things.

Somewhere along the line I discovered/decided that the thing in my head was not me or not made by me. I started to feel that this thing was parasitical. I did various investigations. Meditations, Astral Journeying, tarot spreads, and so on. Some day I might tell you about him/it. I am not saying his/its name for fear of giving it strength. You see after my investigations I decided to kill it. Not exactly easy. Conflict and aggression fit you into a tarbaby game. The more you try to struggle the more you are tied together. Plus I didn't know how to define myself with out him. Me was me because he was he and we were we.

It was a discussion there that I found my solution. Merge. Fuck the tarbaby, literally. So there was a confrontation I gathered my magickal mojo so we were on more or less equal footing and boom We annihilated each other and I am what is left over. what was reborn. I am me but not quite the same me that I was.

So how I had my nervous breakdown. I was back on Barbelith. It has been a long while. I was there more or less because fenris23 asked me to be. I see this thread called "why did you start magick" or something. I go to post. I started magick because I was born with someone in my head with me. I have this horrible feeling that now everyone will think I am crazy and hate me. I realize that this shit is why I have no friends at school or even much of a relationship with anyone. I realize that I am alone. This starts me crying.

Then I realize that I am really alone. The thing that lived in my head isn't there anymore. I killed my only friend. Crying psychosis time.

I feel better now.
Sometimes what you really need is a good sleep.
As long as you wake up the next morning.

Originally posted: July 9th, 2005 04:59 am
I don't normally go all emo but it's late and I am feeling it right now.

Most people who know me think I am crazy. Most of them are right. I have no friends and I am alone. I've never been alone before. I don't know how to do this. Being into magick doesn't exactly make you popular with most people. Most people don't seem to look past the surface of things and then hold it against anyone who is different. And I am different. God I feel fucked up. I was just writing a post on an internet bbs thing and BOOM I start crying. I realized that what I was saying was going to make everyone think I am crazy and then once again I am alone. I mean even other Occultists think I am crazy. They think I am weird and now they think I am depressed, right? now I am weird and sad and alone and you don't like me any more.

Sorry.

I'll stop now.
and go to bed.